Ligaya

Casey and I got to live in Biloxi Mississippi. I was so excited. It was so different from anything I had ever experienced. I loved it. I loved how warm it is, and the blunt friendly people. I made several friends both with in our religion and out in the real world. We were so happy. We were only making about 12oo a month, but we had enough to get by and we were together.

Wiff my brother and Larrie, my sister drove our car from Washington down to us in Mississippi. Poor Wiff fell asleep about 3 hours from our house and totaled the car. No one was hurt but Wiff felt so bad. You could tell just by looking at him. Poor guy. Casey and I were ok with that. The car was a having problems with the transmission and we were glad to be rid of it.

We had such fun exploring Biloxi with my brother and sister. I got a major sunburn. I blistered, and scared. It only took a couple of hours on the beach to kill the flesh on my back. We walked every where and Larrie took tons of pic. I will have to find some to show off.

After they went home and we took inventory of our lives we decided to take advantage of our free medical and have another baby. So we got pregnant. I had high hopes that I would not be sick this time. Wrong. I should have gotten help but you had to take a prenatal class to see a doctor and they held them at 8:00am. I thought, " How in the world can I walk to the hospital in the hot sun with Perry and sit through some stupid class that teaches me how to be pregnant. There isn't a barf bucket big enough for that." So I never went. I decided I would wait till we moved and get a doctor then.

We got orders to move to Arizona only 2 weeks before we moved. I was so happy. My aunt and uncle live in Tucson and that was where we were headed. Casey was a little apprehensive, until we got there. Then he saw how beautiful and green and mountainous it is. He fell in love with it to.

I got a calling at church, I was the Beehive adviser. I loved it. I got to work with another pregnant lady, she was due a month before me. Her name is Marilyn. I just love her. We worked together really well.

I loved living near Aunt Debi and Uncle Kevin. They are one of the best things that ever happened to our family. From the moment we got there they treated us like one of their own kids. I love them so much. They are like another set of parents to me.

After we got settled in I got a doctor. Dr. Gershwire was an older doctor. He had gray hair and glasses. He is not very tall and he is very business like. He always wore a button up shirt, tie, and slacks under his white long doctor coat. I was 25 weeks pregnant and so I didn't exactly choose him, he was the only doctor I called who didn't have so many patients having babies the same time as me so he could take me on. I only had two visits then we started the visits every two weeks.

I was almost 38 weeks when I was suppose to go to a young women's activity. Marilyn was having her baby that day so I really needed to be there. I had made pies for the event and Casey had left for work so I was ready. However I really didn't feel well. I decided to call the Y. W. president and tell her I couldn't make it. Then I called my mom.

We were talking about baby and pregnancy stuff. I asked her if her water ever broke when she was pregnant with us. She told me it had and what it was like. After a few more minutes of conversation I realized my water broke. So I got off the phone with her and Called Casey. Then called Aunt Debi so she could watch Perry. I would call her when we got to the hospital so she could meet us there.
I went to the bathroom and realized I was bleeding. I didn't think to much of it, a little bleeding is normal. I just put on a pad mostly to catch all the amniotic fluid. Then the first contraction hit me. Wow, there are not words to express that kind of pain and fear. I was alone with my son, who was only 20 months old. I grabbed the bed post and held on. It lasted a little over a minute and it started about 5 minutes after my water broke. I decided I needed to get everything gathered up so when Casey got home we could just go. I went to the laundry area in our apartment because I had started a load earlier that day. My neighbor that lived above me was a police officer and he was in the laundry area too. I should have asked for help but I didn't want to impose. I had a feeling something was not right. I had another contraction or two before I went to get the laundry and felt gushing. I had to change my pad every 10 to 15 minutes. It was a big overnight pad and it was filling up with blood. I just knew everything was going to be ok.
You may think I am stupid for not doing something but I had a calm feeling. I knew everything was going to be ok. I could feel Heavenly Father angels all around me, helping me through each contraction. As I look back I know Heavenly Father just needed her back and He wanted it to be the easiest for me. I know I couldn't have found out my baby was dead without my husband by my side. I would have lost control. I draw such strength from him.
Well back to my story. I was about to call Casey again because it had been nearly an hour sense I had called him to come home. He had run into some difficulties getting out of work. Gotta love the military. I had everything ready to load in the car and Casey walked in the door. He said, "Is it time!"
"YES!" I responded.
"Let me change out of my uniform."
NO, WE NEED TO GO NOW!"
The contractions had gotten to be about 3 minutes apart and they had the power to totally knock me off my feet.
We got to the hospital as fast as we could and they got us in fast. My aunt showed up and took Perry so Casey and I could relax and have a baby. I was so excited. Soon I would find out if we were having a boy or a girl. Soon we would see what this precious baby looked like. I couldn't wait to feel that soft head and have her little fingers wrap around my finger. I looked forward to breastfeeding my new bundle of joy.
They hooked me up to the monitors to see my contractions and get the baby's heart beat. They couldn't find the heart beat. The nurse told me not to worry, the babies sometimes hide. Worry, who was worried. I was with Casey at the hospital safe, nothing could go wrong.
Next they had an ultra sound done. The heart beat is very obvious and easy to see on the scream. I will never forget what that tall slim gray haired man said, "Sorry folks, but you baby died."
I screamed out like my heart had been ripped from chest. I had never experienced the loss of a loved one let alone one of my children. It was more than I could bare. Casey held me and we cried together. I cried though a contraction and that was the most pain full contraction of my life. I had to pull myself together. There would be lots of time to cry later, now I had a big job to do that required all of my attention. I told Casey we had to keep it together so we could get the baby out.
They moved us to a better room and began to prepare for the birth of a baby. I kept cracking jokes to keep from breaking down. I got the best nurse, she was so good at helping me. I remember thinking I have hours of labor and no baby at the end. I pushed that thought out of my mind and asked for and epidural.
While they were getting me set up of my epidural I started to shake. I could control myself and the doctor said he needed to check to see how dilated I was. I told him no I was having a contraction now was not good and he could check back in a minute or so. He said," No we are doing this now."
Doctors can be very persuasive. Before I new it I was in a similar position as the one that got me pregnant in the first place. He called out, "she is 8, 9, ...10. She is fully dilated and ready to go. Megan push."
" No my epidural is not working yet."
Again doctors can be very persuasive. Six pushes later and she was born.
We had a girl. One of the most beautiful girls I have ever seen was laying in my arms. She was limp and totally lifeless. I put my finger in her had and pleaded within myself," please prove them wrong and squeeze my finger." I touched her soft head. I held her and rocked her and loved her. Then I let Casey hold his daughter. She looked so tiny in his strong hands. He kissed her tenderly on the head and told her how beautiful she was. We enjoyed her for a few minutes and a nurse came in and asked if she could clean her up a bit, take her picture, and get her length and weight. I was excited to see how she measured up so they took her with a promise to bring her back.
Then we had the daunting task of calling our parents. I called my mom first. She was so excited when she answered, wanting to know if it was a boy or a girl. I told her it was a girl and then began to cry. She asked what was happening in that scarred tone I so rarely hear. I told her that the baby died and began to cry. I heard her tell my father what had happened. After a few comforting words I told them goodbye so Casey cold call his parents. Casey was so strong he called his parents and our bishop.
Then we waited in silence, feeling that words were not appropriate at this time. We didn't wait long and our baby was back. 19 1/2 inches long and 6lb 8oz. So tiny and so sweet. I had realized in her absence that I didn't feel those tiny heals that had been kicking me and hurting my for months now. I had to feel how pointie they were. So I unbundled her feet and reached in to feel her heals. Oh no, she was getting cold, my precious baby was getting cold. I knew there was no hope of a miracle then. I couldn't bare the thought of her getting cold. I knew I had to say my goodbyes and be done. There was nothing I could do to keep her warm.
We gave her lovins and let her go.


**It has been just over 7 years now and as I look back on the weeks month and even years that followed they were the hardest of my life. Marylin had a baby boy the same day as me and she became such a strength to me during those first difficult months. She listened to me tell what happened again and again as I worked through my emotions. I learned that you can be there for a friend no matter how uncomfortable the circumstance. I also learned that even if you can do no more that cry with someone you are helping to bare the burden of grief.
I am so sorry is was such a sad thing to read. I needed to get it off my chest. I hope to turn my blog into a place I can sit down to a couple times a day and tell you all funny things my kids do and share all my happiness. I just gotta get out the sad stuff first. Thanks for sharing my grief.

Getting to know you, Getting to know all about you!

Casey and I have know each other all our lives. Our parents are close friends, in fact when Casey's mom, Shelley, went back to school when Casey was 3 my mom baby sat him. I was only 2 weeks old at the time. Casey was born one year to the day before my older sister so everyone naturally thought they would make a great couple. We are LDS so Casey served a mission in the Philippians for the standard 2 years. While he was gone Larrie, my older sister, got married, dashing every one's hopes of joining our two families.
I went over to see Casey the day after he got home from his mission. It was October 30th of 1998. I remember walking into his parents home and seeing him sitting on the couch and something about him had changed. I had never been the least bit attracted to him before but before now I had never seen a man look so appealing. I wanted to be with him forever and I needed to make him feel the same. Lucky for me it didn't take much convincing. We got married about 6 months later on his birthday April 24th 1999. I graduated from High School one month later and we found out we were pregnant one month after that. It may sound like I rushed in with out much thought. NOT TRUE.
I wrestled and wrestled with the decision to marrie so young. I prayed every chance I got for weeks. You see, at some point in our dating Casey sat me down and said, "I love you." I was shocked and only said, "Oh ok." Poor guy. I realized at that moment that if I didn't feel that he was the man for me than I was just leading him on and needed to end our relationship. So I began praying and fasting and soul searching. It was one of the hardest times in my life. It had to be right for me to continue. I couldn't marrie him and later decided it was all wrong and then divorce him. I needed to be fully committed or not at all. No half heartedness.
Well it was right. It was the smartest thing I have ever done. After that decision I have never had to look back, I have never had to question. It is right and everything is perfect. Or as perfect as a real relationship can be.
My wedding day is such a blur. I had already made the decision and I was so scared. I just decided to stop thinking and let everyone else take care of me. This was a wise choice. I felt secure knowing that Casey would take care of me for the rest of my life and clear through eternity.
Getting pregnant with Perrin was a little alarming. I was surprised that it was that easy. I kept thinking, "Wow it worked?" This feeling soon gave way to panic. How could I be a mom I was only barely 19 and really immature. Casey was my comfort. He told me Heavenly Father would never send a child to a family if he new that this family couldn't give him the tools needed to return and live with him again. I often reflected on this especially when I could feel the panic begin to rise.
Soon I panic was the least of my concerns. Morning sickness had begun. Man was I sick. I went in for countless IV's and one over night stay. I lost nearly 20lbs in just a few months. I just couldn't keep anything down. In the middle of all this Casey and I moved to Bremerton Washington. Casey was going to school in Seattle. Some how I survived the pregnancy and Perry was born March 27th at 4:58 PM.
The day before was Sunday and Casey and I decided to skip church. I was not feeling well and we wanted to spend time together before the baby was born. That night I could tell Labor had began. It was so exciting. Casey read to me while we lay in bed. He would stop and help me through each contraction. When I was no longer smiling then he decided it was time to go.
We arrive at the hospital already dialated to a three. Barely enough to stay. But stay we did. They gave me something so I could sleep but it just about stopped labor. Any way Perry was born the next day.
I was so tired after he arrived that I went to sleep. I remember the rushed him out because he was so blue and not breathing well. I knew he would be fine and I knew Casey would take care of him. I woke up and Casey was holding him. Casey got to hold him first. I think that is appropriate considering that is his only boy. Soon he handed him to me and I fed him and he loved it. He took to breast feeding really well. We were like a couple of old pros.
Soon after he was born we moved back to the other side of the state to recover form our financial mess up while Casey was attending school. It didn't take long to realize that we couldn't go to school the way we were trying to. We had to come up with a new game plan. Casey is such a good man. He took several odd jobs trying to keep us a float. Next Casey joined the Air Force.